It’s been a rough day. However, it got a little bit better than yesterday. You know the feeling when you go through a period of time when everything seems fine, you’re fine, and then *Boom*! Something goes (terribly) wrong and it aaall goes to waste. Plans, thoughts, emotions. Disaster(?!)
Of course it happened to me. Like a million,and one, times before. For the past couple of weeks things looked alright. Not great, but for the most part it was all fine. And then, I did something wrong; a practical mistake due to lack of knowledge I can say, and had to face it. When I found out what had happened, I took the blame. It was me who actually *did* it, no matter what. I didn’t deny it. It was an honest mistake. I won’t get into further information concerning that event, though. What I want to focus on is the devastation that came right with it.
I was gutted. It felt horrible. And I felt like that neither for myself nor for what I did. I mainly cared about the fact that I cause so much discomfort to others, when it wasn’t their fault, to the point where they yelled at me. I know that, in the end, they probably didn’t mean it. The situation was tense. And worse things than this have happened. All in all, it was not *that* of a big deal, but it was still bad. I cried my eyes out the whole night and the day after. The fact that others have made similar mistakes just didn’t make me feel any better. To me it was unacceptable that I did it, and that I cause trouble. Later, I had a talk with some people who are experienced enough to tell me that it was all OK, and that I shouldn’t be feel this way for *nothing*. Took me a while to believe them and start to recover. I ended up having the worst puffy eyes and a terrible headache.
When something goes wrong I usually don’t care about myself, and in such cases I never try to defend myself. Maybe that’s not OK. But, I lack self-confidence. If I had *just* a couple of drops of this magic draught, I would/could have accomplished so much more. I would be different. Better, probably. But, my self-esteem and confidence are so low. My altruism sometimes turns against me. It’s all part of who I am. I accept it not because it’s the easy thing to do, but because I know that my lack of somethings, perhaps makes me better in others. Overall, though, I feel disappointed that I cannot control to what extend something negative will affect me. I believe it’s hard to, because most of the times negative feelings strike you out of the blue. I really need to work on that. Make it a bit better. I know it will make a huge difference. The good thing is that I fully recognise what I am and what I’m not. It’s a start right?
Lately I’m keeping a journal. Makes things a little easier. If you feel that something is wrong, and that can be anything, don’t face it alone. Talk it out with someone. Normally, I wouldn’t face a problem right away. But, lately I speak up. Even if something was my fault, I try to be the first to say/do something about it. That’s a small step to face your fear(s).
P.S. : I read a great article earlier posted by Jenn Granneman on Upworthy, called “Highly sensitive people: Remember these 10 things when you feel anxious“. I recommend you read this.
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Who am I? What am I? Why do I feel like this? What is my purpose? Do we all ask ourselves such questions consciously or not? I am sure that we all do at some point in our lives, maybe while we are in our 20s when we start to experience life. But, do we all care enough in order to find answers to those questions?
I’ll describe to you my experience with that. I was always interested in finding out what I like and what I’m good at, but I never had the chance to look deeper and find out the reasons why I do the things I do in certain ways , why I prefer this and not that or why I think the way(s) I do. And there is more to that, but I think you get the grasp of it.
After I graduated from my Master’s I had to move back home, and it was tough. I got depressed. It was not OK. I had to deal with the fact that things didn’t go as I planned, I was searching for a job, and I missed the great friends I made and the life I had as a student for the last 5 years. At that period, I kept a journal about my ideas and the things I would like to do career wise and in general. Reading through my notes, however, made me realize that I was unaware of what type of person I was. And by this I mean that I was not fully aware of my personality traits, my pros and cons, and how to utilize all these combined with my knowledge. (Does this makes sense? I hope it does.) Then, I thought to myself “Maybe I should look into it. Maybe this is part of what triggers my anxiety and insecurities.”
So, I started searching through the internet about personality types. Boy, thay was a long search. I read phycology articles and took several personality tests and compared the results. I also came across a great website called 16 Personalities , which I totally recommend! All of the test I took suggested that I belong to the ISFJ personality type and so did the 16 Personalities test. Their approach, though, it just spoke to me. Reading through their version of ISFJ, felt like doors that were previously locked shut, magically opened and I finally had access to the wonders they were hiding behind them.
Long story short, this whole research took me about 2 months. What it pleasant? Not really. It was kind of … shocking I’d say. It was as if I rewired my brain. But, the emotional payoff was so worth it. A weight was lifted off my chest. Now, I finally feel that I belong somewhere; that I am no longer lost. That I’m not weird or strange or a snob or whatever. I’m different, in a good way, and I learnt to appreciate that. I started to understand myself -even though it is hard for people around me to do so- and love *me*. I now depend way less on others’ opinions about me. AND, this process helped me build a stronger Résumé. Fill two needs with one deed, right?!
No lies, I’m not perfect. I am never going to be, but I don’t mind. I still struggle to keep things like overthinking, and everything that might come with it, at bay. At least now I can control it and understand it. I know my strengths and weaknesses, where they come from, and what I can do with them . I learnt to appreciate myself even when I’m gloomy. My advice is that if you feel uncertain, take a break. Just try to disconnect from the world for a little bit and look inside *you*. You have no idea what great things you will uncover. So, good luck!
P.S.: I’m open to questions and I’d love to give advice if needed.