It’s been a rough day. However, it got a little bit better than yesterday. You know the feeling when you go through a period of time when everything seems fine, you’re fine, and then *Boom*! Something goes (terribly) wrong and it aaall goes to waste. Plans, thoughts, emotions. Disaster(?!)
Of course it happened to me. Like a million,and one, times before. For the past couple of weeks things looked alright. Not great, but for the most part it was all fine. And then, I did something wrong; a practical mistake due to lack of knowledge I can say, and had to face it. When I found out what had happened, I took the blame. It was me who actually *did* it, no matter what. I didn’t deny it. It was an honest mistake. I won’t get into further information concerning that event, though. What I want to focus on is the devastation that came right with it.
I was gutted. It felt horrible. And I felt like that neither for myself nor for what I did. I mainly cared about the fact that I cause so much discomfort to others, when it wasn’t their fault, to the point where they yelled at me. I know that, in the end, they probably didn’t mean it. The situation was tense. And worse things than this have happened. All in all, it was not *that* of a big deal, but it was still bad. I cried my eyes out the whole night and the day after. The fact that others have made similar mistakes just didn’t make me feel any better. To me it was unacceptable that I did it, and that I cause trouble. Later, I had a talk with some people who are experienced enough to tell me that it was all OK, and that I shouldn’t be feel this way for *nothing*. Took me a while to believe them and start to recover. I ended up having the worst puffy eyes and a terrible headache.
When something goes wrong I usually don’t care about myself, and in such cases I never try to defend myself. Maybe that’s not OK. But, I lack self-confidence. If I had *just* a couple of drops of this magic draught, I would/could have accomplished so much more. I would be different. Better, probably. But, my self-esteem and confidence are so low. My altruism sometimes turns against me. It’s all part of who I am. I accept it not because it’s the easy thing to do, but because I know that my lack of somethings, perhaps makes me better in others. Overall, though, I feel disappointed that I cannot control to what extend something negative will affect me. I believe it’s hard to, because most of the times negative feelings strike you out of the blue. I really need to work on that. Make it a bit better. I know it will make a huge difference. The good thing is that I fully recognise what I am and what I’m not. It’s a start right?
Lately I’m keeping a journal. Makes things a little easier. If you feel that something is wrong, and that can be anything, don’t face it alone. Talk it out with someone. Normally, I wouldn’t face a problem right away. But, lately I speak up. Even if something was my fault, I try to be the first to say/do something about it. That’s a small step to face your fear(s).
P.S. : I read a great article earlier posted by Jenn Granneman on Upworthy, called “Highly sensitive people: Remember these 10 things when you feel anxious“. I recommend you read this.